Archive for the ‘ Life in General ’ Category

resume oh how I hate thee

There are several things I could honestly say I despise doing, writing out my resume happens to be one of those things. “Oh please no.” I plead with myself, please don’t make me do this. “you don’t understand math” my brain tells me and then it hits me really, really hard. Generally, I have no problem writing about myself if there is no line to be crossed, oh haha very funny. But alas that is not possible to do on a resume because I could get people killed and then I’d probably goto prison, they will tear me up in prison.

I have spent nearly the last maybe four and a half hours rewriting almost the entire thing. It has been a long, grueling task of which my mind feels nearly at it’s breaking point and my body feels slow and lethargic. But I believe I am very close to being what many people call “done.” Now all that remains is to give it to a few people for the once over to complete the final draft.

I’m not very good at spelling certain things, punctuation is not particularly my strong point. I have a penchant for typing much like I would talk, oh how I’m sure Adam is loathe to read my barely human form of English that I speak through a straw. But I will say most of the things I talk or speak about I care deeply about, and my resume is no exception to this rule. I know it’s important to have not only an accurate and appealing resume (which is why I’m still semi furious at UPS for not letting me take the supervisors position because it would look good) for a life long career or just work in general…which I continue to look for.

As the days go by and I watch my bank account begin to suffer (not even close to the halfway mark yet) I cant help but think more and more about me coming out here. I feel bad, honestly really bad about not being able to get a job, I feel bad about piggy backing on Kyle and Leslies back in this. And in the long run it’s just going to continue to do damage to my bank account.

But what can I do? Pray? No thanks. I just got to keep my head up and my mind out of the gutter and I’m sure it’ll all be fine in the long run. I’ve been having a blast out here so far, I’ve met alot of interesting and genuinely neat people out here. I just hope I can catch a break soon.

Operational…kinda

I decided now that were pretty much settled in besides a few minor things, I’m currently borrowing Kyle’s laptop. So I decided I would post something here in the mean time, YAY!

Science is indeed perhaps the love of my life, I honestly don’t get more excited over much else. Shit if we were to land on Mars? I dunno what I’d tell my wife or child if they asked what the happiest day of my life was as I lay on my death bed because they will be disappointed. I’ve already met some amazing people out here, people that put even my fragile intellect to shame.

I’ve met a mathematician, a biologist, a microbiologist with a minor in neurology. And they all like to get drunk, as good college students should. Shit is cash out here, truly. But I guess that could be said about anywhere if one were to live on or very near a university.  I mean honestly I had probably some of the deepest conversations I’ve ever had with Adam and Trent. Boy do I love a good conversation, and some of the things the people were talking about went over my head but I at least pride myself that though I might not know the finer mechanisms of what they said I understood the bigger picture.

I’m dumb and I say that with my ego showing, for it is who I am. I’m sure you can tell much by reading this that I barely have a grasp on writing, I merely write unfortunetly for you my dear readers, how I would imagine myself to speak it. Oh well, I like science much more than english. But honestly I am dumb, while I would like to hold a doctorate I dont know if it will ever happen, truly these are terrifying times. I am dumb in the sense that I will never know as much as I should, I am dumb because I listened to people whom I shouldn’t have when I was a wee lad and I am dumb because I’m applying to retail jobs out here.

But I am not away enough to not talk about the final space shuttle launch. I got really sad when I watched the video of it, but at the same time I was proud of all that we had accomplished even though it really is not much anymore. People will argue with me, but come on we landed on the moon and now we put up “stuff.” The computing power that got us to the moon and back my phone blows away (DROID SAYS) and while now the space sector is going privatized I really hope they push us forward once more. Because saying we haven’t done anything is false and it hurts myself.

I know I’ve said this in my last blog post but people who believe NASA is done are dumb and not in the same way as I. Do I believe that NASA  might be phased out one day? Potentially. But I dont see it being for a long time, perhaps not even in my lifetime (author admits this could be wrong.) But people actually believe that there isn’t any reason to leave Earth? to leave our solar system? To learn what makes us, us and to push the limits of both the human condition and mindset? To set aside our differences and humbly admit that the universe is much larger than all of us?

I’ve read that 55% of Americans don’t know that the sun is a star. Now I’ll be the first to admit that the number seems high, perhaps tricking people into it? But you know what? I just don’t know anymore, I talked about the anti science movement in America last time as well. And I WILL stand by that, I’m afraid that we are reentering a dark age of sorts. Where it’s commonplace to have all of you’re info and shit taken off the internet, you’re phones monitored, walking through x-ray machines at the airport and no one cares. But if you want to right defective genes so that children don’t die (sensationalist card played)through gene therapy, or vaccinations, or stem cell research HOLY SHIT do we have a problem.

People are fucking starving because their forced to eat white rice, which has nearly no nutritional value. But oh man the shit storm if you try to make it so rice produces vitamin A so that they AT LEAST don’t go blind. I think that it’s a huge problem, free range, anti pesticide bullshit. “but pesticide isn’t good for you” pardon my French but fuck you okay? Do you know how many people don’t starve because insects aren’t eating AT LEAST 10% of the stuff we grow? I think that it’s completely irrational that because people have an unfounded fear about stuff they don’t understand that they want millions more people to die of starvation.

I’m pro-science and I’m all for humanitarianism and in fact I find the people who aren’t to be fucking disgusting. That were here stuck on this rock with people that honestly don’t care about other people, that how a cow or chicken feel is more important than the things they can offer. I’ll tell you what I bet those cows live life as best they can just like all of us, but the thing is the farmer takes care of them because they are profit. How often does a cow starve? I could go into some political diatribe here but I wont, instead I’ll keep it on topic. The fact is life sucks, and until you make a better mouse trap that shit isn’t going to fly, I’m sorry.

Now that I got that off my chest I think I’m going to go apply to more jobs, so I can squeak by in life.

One more before I go

Yup. I decided to write one more before I left on my journey of self enlightenment. I promised you a science post and you shall get one.

I was disappointed to learn Voyager 1 is still inside the solar system and wont be making it into interstellar space for about another year. Sometimes I wish I was born 200 years from now when we’ll hopefully be exploring the solar system at least…HOPEFULLY. Like I said in my last quasi space rant I love space and I consume all knowledge about it that I can. I could literally read about it all day and dream about it at night.

Voyager 1 has shown us so many interesting things about the tiny place in which we call our home. Amazing pictures of the out lying planets, such beautiful pictures to show us just how beautiful our own solar system truly is and hopefully shows us that the solar system if not the world is worth exploring.

I vehemently disagree with people who say NASA doesn’t deserve funding but  our war on drugs and our war on terror is MORE deserving of funding rather than exploring our own backyard our own home? They say whats there to see? Whats the point? While yes, NASA has disappointed me in the past, and will probably continue to do so, but does that mean I should just stop believing all together in things just because things don’t work out?

Are we destined to just live at home until we die? Intergalactic…nay, not even, we should be glad if we could call ourselves intergalactic losers. What happens when our resources begin to dwindle? But that could never happen right? Earth has an infinite supply of oil and land and food and everyone lives happily ever after, right?

Honestly? I think there are just to many people on Earth. But then again “as long as there’s two people on earth someones gonna want someone dead.” I’ve heard people say “well if everyone was so and so there’d be peace on Earth.” Wishful thinking, honestly? You believe that? Is just being a person with everyone else not enough for you? Everyone needs to be the same? Just like you? That’s the kind of egomanical bullshit that worries me about this world.

We have a mind blowing amount of space technology, an engine that we can reach Mars in a month or less? Why shouldn’t we at least try?

Let me be frank, I’m also pro animal testing. I’m not talking spray that rabbit in the eyes with perfume kind of testing but medical testing I can get behind. I’ve heard people say that there is no benefit to animal testing, and this is just the most horrible thought process. I’m sure if we could we would do human testing, actually I’m sure we wouldn’t if we knew it was going to fail. But people with terminal illnesses donate themselves to science, shouldn’t that be good enough?

If you know anyone who’s ever, EVER had to be on life support and you don’t support animal testing you terrify me. Life support was a direct link to a “mad” and I’m using that term liberally here, a real mad doctor, from Russia. He literally grafted a dead dogs head to a still living dog, trying to keep the head alive. People would be against that like all hell now a days, but how many people do you think those dogs saved when life support became real?  This is pretty much the same stuff as anti-vaccine goers.

I honestly would think anti-vaccine proponents would be funny if they weren’t so sad, or mad whatever your call. The fact is these people put their children s lives at risk and if you want kids, your children as well. And I find it disgusting that people would rather their children die to these horrible debilitating illnesses than have a kid with autism. And that is of course if vaccines cause autism and here’s a hint, they don’t. Don’t be brought in by their filth. I would rather have a kid then let them die to polio or the measles. I think its immoral and I think it’s dangerous and irresponsible.

So who’s to blame when children start getting sick with these diseases again? I just don’t understand, I really don’t. If parents can be found guilty of murder because they starved their kid or denied their child diabetes medication all due to religious views I think we should just vaccinate them anyways and if they get older just “whoops didn’t know you turn out to be dumb as hell.” Who is to blame? Mainly the people who hear only what they want to hear, like “this causes autism!” but then ignore the fact the scientist who did the study cherry picked information like crazy AND his work cant even be reproduced. If it’s true how come other scientists cant do the exact same thing?

I’m terrified of this new anti science movement. Not only does it threaten to throw us back into the dark ages (metaphorically) and by that I mean go watch Idiocracy. Some people will disagree with me, say that there isn’t a growing and alarming anti science movement. But you know what science is good for, for these people that say science is bad? Making their TV’s thinner, how to cram more items into their microwavable dinners, making sure the electricity stays on, because they don’t care about anyone but themselves, they cant be held to any kind of responsibility. Tide goes in, tide goes out. You cant explain that!

see you on the other side

Well, unfortunately kids this will probably be my last or one of my last posts for awhile. Seeing as I will be moving soon and really need to get the last of my affairs in order I don’t know if I will have time to post again before I head out. Also, seeing as I will not be bringing my computer with me on my new journey I don’t know when I will post again when I get out there.

I’ll be building a new computer though when I’m out there to kind of be my “this is my new home” kind of thing. When that will be however will be anyones guess, which is to say when it’s finished. As it will entail me getting a job and more than likely striking out on my own.

I must admit that the prospect is terrifying to me. Up til now in my ~20 years of being self-aware I’ve relied on my parents for the roof over my head and things like that, this is without a doubt the biggest game changer in my entire life. I’m gonna try getting back into art so expect some of that when I’m back online, along with probably a bunch of new rants on video games and maybe even science! In fact I almost guarantee before I leave I’ll make a science post about Voyager 1. Take care kids!

My art part 1

So I said I would throw up some of my art on here. This is probably one of the influential on me. Was the first one that didn’t have a generalized goal in mind. It’s surrealism and encompasses how I was feeling at a certain time frame in my life. If you look closely you can see I dunno homework or something in the background. I could tell you about all of the symbolism that I sewed into the page but honestly what good would that do? It’s “art” and one may interpret it as they will because art has no defined meaning for a piece. I’m very against art schools in general for grading and criticizing young artists.

Basically to me what art is, is the feeling that the artist has at the time expressed in words, paint, crayons or digital programs. You put a little part of yourself into your work a little bit of your soul because you want people to see who you were when you made it. You can teach technique, you can teach perfection, drill it into someones head. But the ability to express ones soul cannot be taught or learned, it is something that must be found deep inside all of us.

I don’t consider somethings to be “art” but if we’re starving dogs what’s next? I can see where someone would say that it’s art in a morbid kind of way but it opens a new can of worms, I might not like it but I understand the perspective. But I cant help thinking that is this “new age” art gets its way people could be fighting in roman arenas again all in the name of art.

shadows and dust

What do you see when you look up to the night sky? Wonder? Mystery? Perhaps you see god or maybe the vast emptiness of it all? To each his own when surveying the great infinite I say. because truthfully how many of us will know what it is like? What is it like to look down on the planet where our entire species is located in a universe so large it boggles the mind? What would you feel in the split moment for the first time in your short, generally unmeaningful life when you become weightless and can fly through the air? I will probably never know.

takes your breath away

This picture is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen, one of the most iconic, beautiful pictures ever taken. This picture should humble us beyond words, to know that this is all we are. Our planet is less than dust in the grand scheme of the universe. And when our sun too breathes its final breath so will it return to dust as well. For you that dont know, this picture is taken of Earth as voyager left our solar system and begun its journey into the cosmos itself. To me it is truly one of the most beautiful and perhaps heart wrenching pictures I’ve ever seen. That tiny spec in a beam of light has held every human being ever, we truly are meaningless, our lives shrouded by the vast cold reaches of space and perhaps time itself.

What do I see when I look up into the night sky? I do not see god. I do not see a vast empty place. I see the future. I see our limitless potential balled up and chained down on this iron cored ball of dirt. I see such beautiful and terrifying things as I stare in awe and am humbled by the blinking, twinkling lights of perhaps now dead stars. Stars who’s bodies are cast into the far reaches of space. We too are stars, every single one of us, what makes us who we are is perhaps untold billions of years old.

People have asked me if I think there is a heaven or hell and I don’t answer because I don’t care. Is there a reason? Is there a reason for me to answer? So you might have your say when you either agree with me or disapprove? No. It’s funny, I have only been alive for 25 years out of the universes entirety. I was okay with it then and I’m sure I will be okay with it when my time comes around once more. The universe is vast and I am incalculably small and insignificant but I look up and dream of the stars.

I live life as best I can under the circumstances I am afforded. I think of myself as an honest, loyal and upstanding person. I live my life alone except for the friends I surround myself with, the best people I know, who also live their lives as best they can under the circumstances.And I cant honestly understand the hate that people feel for one another. Why? The most sickening reasons to me are the ones which people cannot control. The color of your skin, your sexual orientation, what your opinions are and people will and do kill over such petty things. I see it all the time and it saddens me because were all we have. Were all here on this small little planet, stranded somewhere in the massive ever expanding universe. We are all we have, we are our own family on a small blue dot, and we should all be holding on for dear life.

you are here

There are some people that would say life is not insignificant. To us? No, life is all we have. All that we strive for. Life merely is. But look to the right, where are we in there? Do you comprehend just how insurmountably massive our own galaxy is? Our sun while small to us is once again just a pinprick compared to supermassive stars which will in turn when they die tear sections of the universe asunder and will continue to do so, perhaps even after our universe dies and is reborn again.

What were are was born billions of years ago across the vastness of the universe itself. We are all bound and made from the bodies of stars long since dead, we are all that remain from them, we are their legacy. People ask me if I’m afraid to die. No. When I die, I return from which I was for billions of years and rejoin infinite once more. And when our sun too passes, we will truly return to the universe once more. What do you see when you look up to the sky? God? A vast emptiness? I see infinite possibilities and impossible beauty and a place I can only wish to see in my short and meaningless life.

My art and me

When I was growing up I drew constantly I had a weird knack for copying things that I saw with crayons or other drawing utensils. My family had me draw things fro them and I was happy. I call this my “simple phase.” My art was simple as was my life, it never really changed until things began to change who I was. I drew what other people wanted of me and never really questioned it.

In high school things changed, I at times felt in control of my life and more often than not, I felt I had no control over my life. My art took on a very anime-esque feel and appearance to it, as that was the majority of what I watched at the time. At the same time my art became darker and more refined, like a good whiskey. While I would say that this is the height of my artwork, I hated it. I hated my art because deep down I knew it wasn’t good, it didn’t speak to me, it held no meaning.

Most of my art was also done in my classes when I should have been paying attention or studying, most of my art also had the same basic structure to it, and I’m not just saying the anime portions of it, but it all felt the same to me. And while I continued to draw, it was the things in my beginners art class, the three or so that I did throughout the entire year that I enjoyed the most. One of my submissions won first place and was hung in a bank for about 3 months. While my heart might not have felt in the art I was producing.

One of the final pieces I did in Highschool finally broke through. While it wasn’t enough to prevent my now crippling artists block it finally sang through me. It was a small piece I did on normal lined paper, it was a surrealist piece that emphasized everything that I was feeling at the time. Most of my latest art is of the same basic principle.

Now I have three pieces I would like to do but once again I just dont have the heart for it. My muse is gone, and I really hope to get my edge back once I move to Colorado. I felt when I was there that I could start it all back up again. We’ll see though.