I realize dear children that I am going to be late for this party since Bulletstorm came out in what? Febuary? January? But it is probably one of the most hilarious games I’ve ever seen. I say seen because I was an impartial observer to it, I watched my brother play because well…my hands are not good with controllers. Now hand me a mouse and keyboard and I will lavish upon you miracles.

The dialog for the game is hilarious, and I mean that in the best fashion possible. No allow me to quote one of my favorite lines in the entire game for you, because I know you will be impressed just as I was:

Trishka: Yeah? Go fuck yourself! You shit piles give chase, I will kill your dicks!
Gray: What? What does thet even mean? Your gonna kill my dick? I’ll kill your dick! How bout that, huh?

That…wow. I lost it and my brother actually had to pause the game because we were both laughing so hard. This is just one of the conversations that come to mind. I honestly see them just shoving the characters that would be talking into a sound booth and telling them to improvise with the most hilarious bullshit they could come up with. What happens is nothing short, for me anyways, of complete perfection.

From that you should know the game does not try to be serious AT ALL. No. It is an over the top frag fest where you try to butcher your enemies in the most ridiculous ways possible. Like:

  • Grabbing an enemy with the leash and kicking him into a cactus.
  • Kicking an enemy into a giant venus flytrap.
  • Kicking head eating pods onto enemies.
  • Crushing enemies witha giant dinosaur.

There are literally a “ton” of different ways to kill enemies and done with some of the best most outrageous weapons that I’ve seen in a long time. Come on a drill bore? Oh yes please. Bulletstorm I enjoy your ultraviolent ways.

My brother complains about the controls but I understand. I do know that there are generally accepted buttons which should be used for things like sprinting and crouching and kind of stuff but that was pretty much the end of the complaints I heard. But the game for both of us even me watching was some kind of hilarious and was just a orgy of action and carnage with a bit of expletives thrown in for good measure.

I wish it wasn’t as expensive as it was but I will probably pick it up when it comes down in price just a bit.



It’s been awhile but I finally have something worth talking about, or raging about incoherently.

Square Enix is probably going to ruin the Hitman franchise, there I said it. Trying to keep it closer to the movies is in my opinion a terrible debacle since I don’t know of anyone who played the games who thought the movie did it justice. I’m not saying it needed to be word for word but a 47 with emotion? Come now, why you hurt me baby?

I should have seen this coming since Square Enix is basically hit or miss in my book. I honestly was holding out hope since the new Deus Ex is looking very true to the original, since you know…everyone hated the sequel. I Figured they would do the same for Hitman, maybe make it a bit more gritty and sharpen the graphics a bit. Blood Money was basically the best of the series and now it calls for a reboot? Why? To bring in an unknown demographic? Of who? Halo fanbois? Basically it’s this: you don’t need a good plot for Hitman. In fact thats what alot of people LIKED about Blood Money was it didn’t have to do with revenge or some other crap it was about 47 doing his job.

What makes it all the better is that the ending to Blood Money was left specifically open for the next game. But obviously we need to drag it’s good name through the mud for a bit more money.

I’m not going to hate on Square to harshly because they do make games that I like. I love Dragon Quest, I loved the Legacy of Kain series, I enjoyed Supreme Commander. I haven’t necessarily been a fan of the Final Fantasy games  since 9, since they just added more and more cutscenes to the games, I’m in the opinion that I play a game to play it not sit down with my significant other with a bowl of popcorn.

If everything that I’m hearing about the new Deus Ex is true they’re paying a very good picture for things to come but I just don’t see why they are taking a game which in my humble opinion didn’t need it and rebooting it. Besides the fact they hope to get people who go see the shit movie to pay for whats probably going to be a shit game, lets face it games based on movies? Don’t make me laugh I cant honestly say I’ve played a good one yet. I still don’t know how they managed to mess up the starship troopers game, shoot bugs don’t die. on THAT note I would love to see a Starship Troopers RTS, make my dream come true! Preferably with a topless Denise Richards cutscene.

And thats the word today, I got a few more game rants coming up in the next couple days, look forward to one about Brink, one about Duke Nukem Forever, one about Deus Ex, and who knows maybe I’ll even throw in some rants about new tech in the wonderful world of science!

My art and me

When I was growing up I drew constantly I had a weird knack for copying things that I saw with crayons or other drawing utensils. My family had me draw things fro them and I was happy. I call this my “simple phase.” My art was simple as was my life, it never really changed until things began to change who I was. I drew what other people wanted of me and never really questioned it.

In high school things changed, I at times felt in control of my life and more often than not, I felt I had no control over my life. My art took on a very anime-esque feel and appearance to it, as that was the majority of what I watched at the time. At the same time my art became darker and more refined, like a good whiskey. While I would say that this is the height of my artwork, I hated it. I hated my art because deep down I knew it wasn’t good, it didn’t speak to me, it held no meaning.

Most of my art was also done in my classes when I should have been paying attention or studying, most of my art also had the same basic structure to it, and I’m not just saying the anime portions of it, but it all felt the same to me. And while I continued to draw, it was the things in my beginners art class, the three or so that I did throughout the entire year that I enjoyed the most. One of my submissions won first place and was hung in a bank for about 3 months. While my heart might not have felt in the art I was producing.

One of the final pieces I did in Highschool finally broke through. While it wasn’t enough to prevent my now crippling artists block it finally sang through me. It was a small piece I did on normal lined paper, it was a surrealist piece that emphasized everything that I was feeling at the time. Most of my latest art is of the same basic principle.

Now I have three pieces I would like to do but once again I just dont have the heart for it. My muse is gone, and I really hope to get my edge back once I move to Colorado. I felt when I was there that I could start it all back up again. We’ll see though.

Tribal Combat

I’m not going to say that I’m a video game reviewer, or a developer. And since the game(s) I’m going to talk about today aren’t out yet take what I say with a grain of salt yes? The games might be amazing, spectacular, worthy of praise. But we shall see, turn your jet pack on and walk through the door.

One of the first games I ever played for PC was Starsiege: Tribes, I believe the first was more than likely Starcraft.

I played, and forgive my french “the ever loving shit” out of this game. I remember sneaking down at night after I was supposed to be in bed to play with all the friends I had made in the game, to me this was my first MMO. And I say that because games with 200+ people on a server call themselves MMO’s, Tribes did it back in 98 with 250 people servers. The sheer insanity of maps with 250 people was staggering and awe inspiring. Tribes 2 did it as well but we’ll talk about that later. The server I played on was the comp shop and we were amazing I played with some of the best players I’ve ever seen. My brothers in arms, we were united under a single banner: Grandpimp, Carrion, Tornado, LittleMissTornado, Moosekiller, Kong. There are others but thats just a handful of us. The fact many of us moved off Tribes once The comp shop was shut down was a testament to not only what we meant to each other but no other server or mod could compare.

I eventually moved onto Tribes 2, and was fulfilled for a time. I never found a permanent server on Tribes 2 one that I could call my home, and I suppose thats really where my dilemma with it ends. It was an amazing game with all the weapons and options that surpassed the original in my opinion. Dynamix really outdid themselves and honestly I do think 2 expanded and was a better game than the original, the problem was I got there to late. There really isn’t much to say about it, but know I was playing the Tribes games well into my high school years. There is my resume for this shit okay? I played “the ever loving shit” out of every Tribes game. And yes…that does include Vengeance.

Vengeance was …. “different” I would say. They tried to take some of the more rampant complaints about Tribes and abolish them. For one thing you couldn’t leave the “map area” like you could in it’s predecessors. Another was a problem with my main area of expertise, the sniper rifle which used to have infinite shots had limited ammo and a maximum range that was less than most of the other weapons. A lot of the weapons were messed up to be honest, the “flame thrower” who’s actual name I don’t remember could kill lights very easily with a single shot AND it had infinite ammo. But really to top it all off pretty much as soon as the game came out all support for it was pulled and it pretty much died soon after.

Now I hear about not one but two new Tribes games? I’m not going to mix words, I found Vengeance to be a catastrophic blow to the franchise, and the stigma still surrounding it is something I would worry about.

The first I want to talk about is the MMO. Tribes: Universe as it will be called. My heart is aflutter thinking about it. I imagine it to be like planetside but hopefully without being as big of a resource hog. I could actually see this working well…a little too well. If it played similar to planetside it would be incredible. I can see it now!

Heavy Personnel Carriers flying in formation dropping people off as a massive ground war goes on underneath for a floating fortress. My favorite memory of Planetside was a battle I was in where literally a army moved to attack a forward base I imagine it to be like this, except with more flying  and disk’s flying in the air, more shazbots being yelled as I lift my arm into the air. I do have high hopes for the MMO because if it’s good and it feels like Tribes I could see my life being absorbed by it, but in a good way, like a man loves a woman…or vice versa.

Next up is Tribes: Ascend. It seems to look good so far and I’m glad they’re focusing on multiplayer and not singleplayer. It is as it should be. Now lets move into rant mode about Tribes shall we?

Tribes, I’m not sure exactly how one manages to screw up Tribes, but obviously it can be done ala Vengeance. Now I’m not saying Vengeance was a bad game, just…it wasn’t Tribes. you basically just need to lift Tribes 2 and put it in a new engine, undo the restrictions put on weapons and maps by Vengeance. Nothing needs to be taken away or put in, if you feel the need to put things in test them, I’m not gonna say V didn’t but well…it certainly feels like they didn’t. It’s not exactly rocket science, the reason tribes 2 worked was because it took everything, EVERYTHING, Tribes was and expanded upon that. I think it’s possible to do it again, in fact I want Hi-rez to do it again, I’m literally on my knees begging them to not completely mess up. Don’t try to beat the heavy players in the game industry, don’t make it some Call of Duty wanna be, just please, PLEASE make it Tribes. If you make it people will goto it, people will buy it I know I will.

I really want a new game that I love and feel like it becomes an extension of who I am, like a samurai and his katana. I realize I’m probably just kicking around in the dirt but I honestly do hope that the game is a success. I really hope that it’s good, and please show off some of the other Tribes as well, like the starwolf. It doesn’t just have to be about the Diamond Sword and the Blood Eagle.

I guess that’s it, I guess thats all I wanted to say. I’m sure you’ll see me rage about these games in the future or heaping praises upon them, let me put it this way: It will definitely be one or the other. As a bonus if you stuck around have some Firefall. It’s basically a spiritual successor to Tribes. Please let this be good too, but seeing as it’s going to be freeware I don’t know how to feel about it, and since it’s single player there a lot more that can go wrong. I hope I’m wrong I really do.

Dashing I’m sure

Now that my formal introductions are out of the way, let us talk, talk about things we should not.

I find myself daydreaming about space alot, and the new Kepler space observatory only satiates my growing hunger so much. One of the sad facts that I have come to accept is that I will never get to see a human being step foot on another world more than likely. I would like for us to find life in the universe besides us, and although I’m 110% sure it will happen one day, I begin to doubt if that too will be in my lifetime. There are alot of things that I would like to see that have to do with space and the universe at large.

When I was younger I remember going to an observatory, I believe it was with my school but the finer details are not important. It sparked a lust in my heart, but one that I was never able to fill in any way, shape or form. As a child I didn’t really understand the immense vastness and the unbearable emptiness. Honestly? I have a better comprehension of it now as I am older with years and wiser than I was, though inevitably I must still look to the heavens in wonder and amazement and know that I will never be a starfighter pilot. Truly, these are dark times.

I cant help but wonder with the world evolving as it is, are we in a new dark age of technology? We set our sights on the moon, managed to beat the Russians to the prize which by all accounts should have been theirs. He are learning of new medical breakthroughs that can cure diseases ingrained in our very beings and were completely incurable, and which still are or would be. We neglect and stutter on the moral implications of such things as sending people to their deaths to get to Mars. Do you wish to be immortal? Be infused with humanity for as long as we continue to thrive? Be the first to step foot on another planet. If they were making a new doomsday device would there be objections? Why arnt there objections to there being neutron bombs or nuclear weapons small enough to load into rocket pods?

Why do we linger in such times? We live on the brink of greatness and we falter?

Astronomy. We must leave the Earth eventually, I like to think of the human race as perhaps in its teens or preteen years. We think we know whats best for us, but deep down all we care about is ourselves. Eventually we must leave the roost as it were, how long can Earth’s resources support us? And by us I mean the privileged people not the millions of people  who still starve to death every year. And thats just starving. I’m not trying to be a bleeding heart here but what I’m saying is we already have problems feeding the people we have, as the world population blossoms ever constantly despite such things.

Eventually I know that if we somehow don’t kill everyone off and perhaps maybe work out the vast majority of the social problems we have, maybe we could get some real change going. It might seem apocalyptic but really in the vast scope of things we aren’t anything at all and I think thats the saddest part of all. Look up the Sloan Great Wall if you don’t believe me. you think light taking 7 minutes to get to earth is incredible? Try 1.37 billion light years.

I sit at home and dream of the stars because its really, really hard to see them through the clouds and the lights of the city.

Hello Intarwebs

Today is a day like many that came before it and many will go by. Today is not significant in any way except to the people that make it so. And yet today feels good, in a way that I cannot explain and is somewhat foreign to me, you find me here explaining myself unto you.

So, a little bit about myself, yes? My name is Ray Swanson and I currently reside in Illinois. I am a gamer, at times a philosopher, sometimes a wannabe scientist. I work hard for what little I have, but I honestly like it far better that way, keeps me humble and off cocaine. Can also be artistic when the insanity comes and warps reality into what I call life.

I’m planning on moving to Colorado very soon so I wouldn’t be surprised if I saw a few posts pop up about that or if I fall off the face of the earth suddenly. I will keep you updated, and satiated hopefully with everything you so desire of me. Which is to say everything that I want, which isn’t all that much.

Currently I’m playing:

  • Age of Empires 3 (an oldie but a goodie.)
  • Just Cause 2
  • Pokemon Black
  • Pokemon Soul Silver
  • Command and Conquer 3
  • Civilization V

I have a certain affinity to technology, I have a nifty phone that I can browse the internet on when I’m supposed to be driving, but alas I still don’t own a flying car or a hover board. I own a nice computer that I do the majority of my gaming on, or spend my entire night browsing the internet. It is a terrible reoccurring problem of which I will not remedy.

I have amazing friends, and I believe that even that does not do it any justice. My friends are pretty much everything to me and if I don’t or cant hang out with them its generally me sleeping or the price of gas, hard to drive like 30 minutes on how much I make. It is suffering.

Me and my best friend Adam discuss all sorts or madness, including:

  • Why spoken language is better than writing or the internet.
  • Old Games
  • New games
  • Scientific Discoveries
  • Technological advancements
  • Drinking stories
  • Random historical facts

Also I guess one could also call me a bit of a historian and by a bit I mean not really. I have a penchant for reading long and drawn out stories about stuff that happened a long time ago, I have a special love for historical battles, especially interesting ones.

Well now that we have that out of the way, stick around. And I’ll be back soon.